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The Greatest Wrestling Match of All Time

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Something's wrong with my VCR.

Last night I was really tired, so instead of my usual routine of laying in bed watching the wrestling I decided to video tape it. This morning I wanted to watch the main event, since it's usually the fight that sets up or ends a feud between wrestlers. Something weird must have happened because instead of WCW or WWF or even ECW I found this instead. What follows is a transcript:

*Last chance to those that are easily offended by free thinking, freedom of expression and the possibility that someone else may hold a different opinion: quit reading now!*

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SALVATION: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the ECWF's main event. I'm your host Tony Salvation here at the Extreme Celestial Wrestling Federation's Universe Title bout, and boy, is this going to be an historical day in our sport. We've already seen a title switch tonight in the Goddess Super Deity league, with Diana taking the strap from Kali. Of course, this title bout here has been in the making for almost 2000 years. Let's take you back now to what set up this fight.

[Cut to footage of nondescript gentleman in business suit working at a desk.]

SALVATION VOICE OVER: This, of course, is the president of the ECWF. He's the ruler of the universe and is known to his legions of fans as God. Those who have followed his career for the past few millennia have seen that he's both a good leader and capable of things I'd have to call miraculous. There have been some, however, that have accused him of not being good to those wrestlers in his stable, and if you look down the list of the performers he's 'put over' you'd have to agree that he seems to build them up only to sacrifice them as a means to further his own ends. While he is undisputably the ICON of the federation there has been some dissension within the ranks recently, even family tension...

[Cut to footage of long haired, dark-skinned guy wearing a loin cloth training.]

SALVATION VOICE OVER: Which brings us to the great JESUS, also known as The Christ to some, although there are a large proportion of fans that still don't think he quite attained that title. I'll admit that it surprises me that he doesn't have a larger fan base, but he only managed to tour most of the western hemisphere over the past couple of millennia.

Tonight's match was set in motion when God took over Jesus' training, proclaiming him his son. We noted that Jesus took that to heart and used the G-man's name to gain acceptance with the average fan. And just when it seemed that he would be unstoppable and the undisputed ECWF champ his manager turned his back and jobbed him to the crowd. We haven't seen anything like that happen since the WWF made Andre lie down for Hogan!

[Back to the stadium.]

SALVATION: So, that brings us to this historic main event. GOD VS JESUS IN A CRUCIFIXION MATCH!!! None of us could believe that Jesus would accept God's challenge, especially since his defeat at the p-p-v 'Hell on a Hill' but I think he just wants an end to this so they can get the family back together. Remember, this being ECWF, it will be an untimed, no disqualification match. Some are concerned that God is not ready for this match because he appears to have done very little ring work recently while the insiders tell us that he has in fact been working very hard behind the scenes. I guess we'll see right now ...HERE WE GO TO THE RING!!!!

[Cut to Ring M.C.]

RING ANNOUNCER:Ladies, Gentlemen, Deities.......

ARE YOU READY?

ARE YOU RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREADYYYYYYYYYY?

LETS GET READY TO RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUMBLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[God's theme music starts up, The Hallelujah Chorus]

RING ANNOUNCER: Coming to the ring at this time, wearing gold trunks and raiments, weighing in at nothing, he is infinitely tall. The leader of the ECWF and the universe. The ONE; the I AM; MR 'LET THERE BE LIGHT'; it's GOD!!!

[God enters with his manager The Word, they wave to the crowd and blow kisses, lightning bolts strike the ground in a way similar to really cool pyrotechnics, they enter the ring together.]

[Music change; Jesus' theme is Beethoven's Ode to Joy]

RING ANNOUNCER: Here he comes, wearing a white loincloth with fish patterned tights, weighing in at 180 lbs, standing 5' 10, he is known as the head of the Christian church, The Carpenter of Chaos, the Shepherd to the Lost, the man who took on the Rampaging Rabbi's single-handed, the Son of God, iiiiiiiiiiiits JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

SALVATION: Oh my, this match will be astounding, for those of you who are unsure of the rules. This is a crucifixion match, which means you can win either by nailing your opponent to the cross suspended above the ring, by submission or by pinfall. Again, there are no other rules, anything goes with the exception of ending the known universe, since it would kill our ratings. OH MY, THERE'S THE BELL! THEY'RE OFF!

Here they go, Jesus and God are circling each other warily in the ring, it seems that they're taunting each other...and there they go, locking up, this is a show of physical strength, they're wrestling each other. OH and a hip toss by God, Jesus recovers and springs off the ropes and OH WOW HE CLOTHESLINES GOD! God's hit hard but recovers, he grabs Jesus and it's a belly-to-belly suplex. Jesus is winded, grabs Gods leg and brings him down! They're rolling around on the mat. The Word looks upset, he's pounding on the mat, trying to motivate God again, just like he claims he did at the beginning of time! This really is a slobberknocker!

They're both up, Jesus goes for the vertical suplex but God uses his ESAD move, that's an acronym we can't say on TV but if you'll remember he used that one on Job, although he used pity and let him eat animal dung, what a guy!! Jesus retaliates with the Limping Lion, a move he taught to that young wrestler Daniel some time ago. OH MY!!! God didn't just remove the thorn HE REMOVED THE WHOLE DAMN LION!!!!!!!!!! This is spectacular ladies and gentlemen, we expected an apocalyptic fight but this is just too good to be true!

Jesus goes at God, a right hook, a left, another right, God's looking woozy; no, no he's coming back, grabbing Jesus and tossing him into the turnbuckle. He's pounding on Jesus who is off balance in the corner. Remember he calls this the Ten Commandments, one with each punch as he recites them in order. The crowd here are going wild!!!! A vertical suplex and Jesus is lying prone in the middle of the ring. God stands on the turnbuckle and He's attempting the BURNING BUSH!!!!! THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

Jesus moves out of the way and God hits the mat hard, he's looking winded. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, JESUS IS MAKING THE SIGN OF THE CROSS! HE'S ATTEMPTING THE HOLY ROLLER!!! He's got God up above his head ready to drive him into the mat..........

Wait, who's that coming to the ring carrying that chair???????????

OH MY GOD !!!!!!

BUDDHA JUST NAILED JESUS WITH AN OLD FAMILY BIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE'S DOWN!!!

GOD MAKES THE PIN: 1, 2, 3!

GOD IS THE CHAMPION AND RETAINS THE BELT. Buddha holds up God's hand.

[Pope John Paul I enters the ring to make the announcement.]

PJP I: And the winner and master of the Universe is God, creator of all, regardless of our personal chosen faith -- and this is why I got assassinated -- but when we realise that God is universal and not tied to any one interpretation perhaps this feud can be settled. YOUR CHAMPION, GOD!

SALVATION: Well fans, you've seen an historical fight. I think Jesus concentrated too much on local issues without looking at the global picture. His fans often seem surprised that there's anyone out there to challenge him, but I guess down south there isn't any competition. I'm surprised we didn't see the crucifix come more into play, but then God generally doesn't aim to be rough even though his supporters can get a little out of hand at times. I know some of Jesus' fans are shocked, many didn't even know that Buddha is a champion in his own right, I think that eventually Jesus will have to open up his federation to more talented wrestlers so people can see that there are other styles out there, ones with as rich a history, as many fans and with similar fighting styles.

Next week we'll see Hades Vs Satan in a 'Seventh Ring Soul match' with the winner gaining total control of the Underworld, but until next week I'm Tony Salvation and we're out of here........

[Pyros go off, music fades out and credits roll cutting to video static.]

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Weird huh? Who'd a thunk it?

© 2005 - 2012 Hal Levy and the above captioned author.